I've always been a little timid, nervous and reluctant to take a chance on things. It's only really been lately that I've realized how detrimental this is and how much I have come to resent that side of me.
I'm to scared to __________________.
Just fill in the blank with nearly anything and it's quite possible it applies.
A recent blog post by a friend of mine, Meg, really got me thinking about how much fear plays a roll in my daily life. How scared am I to walk the talk that I talk? The more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. I've traveled to Europe by myself, navigated through countries where I didn't speak the native tongue, yet somehow managed to find my way back home just fine... why was I still afraid? What was their to fear?
They actually spell out FEAR. How annoying, but really, how important are these things?
I've said that I've wanted to start a business for a couple years, but why haven't I taken the leap?
Fear of failure.
I've said that I know how to drive, but it's the anxiety that stops me.
I don't put myself out there to find new friends or people to date... rejection, embarrassment, anxiety, you name it... but a lot of this comes with a skewed view of self, which I'll get to in my next post.
I can go on and on about everything that I'm afraid of, but I'd rather not because that just seems awful. I'd rather go about explaining myself, and trying to sort out what's going on in my head, and why.
Back to Meg. After reading her most recent post, I sat there crying. I realized that I fear so much for no real reason and that most people do the same thing. I'm scared to open myself for fear of being hurt.. so I did something I dreaded. I sent Meg a message on Facebook, telling her that I could relate to wanting to go about things on my own, that trusting other people was too difficult and how, like her, I needed to change this thought process.
First troublesome thing to overcome, I decided, was small to some, but meant a hell of a lot to me. I started going to Bikram Yoga in July and LOVED it. Loved is really an understatement as I hadn't felt the adrenaline and endorphin rush that each class provided in nearly 7 years... since before I'd hurt my back. I realized that I became reluctant to go because I was enjoying it too much. I was scared. Scared that I would get too connected. Scared that I would lose this outlet just like I'd lost basketball and throwing. My pain tolerance is too high, my body too broken. I kept finding excuses... too tired, too crampy, too anything. After reading Meg's post, I realized that I had to go back. Not only to overcome this ridiculous fear, but for my own sanity again. I included that in my message to her (she's a hot yoga teacher) and she empathized with the feeling, telling me that surprisingly, it's normal.
I'm going back in on Sunday morning. Back into the heat, to sweat out the toxins, the toxic thoughts and to find my way through the fear.